累了，想走了

最近在追再见爱人。真挚的爱情，叫人感动，也叫人羡慕。即使他们出现在在这个节目中，是因为他们的爱情里遇到了阻碍，面临分手危机， 他们记忆里的，曾经拥有的甜蜜瞬间，分享给观众的时候，隔着屏幕，甜蜜或温暖依然异常动人。

远离家乡的我，独自和我的小黑（我家爱咪）住在离工作很近的地方。而他却远在500公里以外的树林里，离他工作近的地方。追剧的同时，也会回头看看我们的故事。

如果要我回忆我们的过往，记忆中充满了伤害，心痛，还有我的抑郁时刻，和那些最无助失望的瞬间，好像都和他有关。也许，是我的内心是悲观的，也或许他在我的世界里留下了不可抹去的伤痕，叫我至今难以释怀。

我们在一起的这些年，最让我感到安慰的是，近几年所有的节假日，我们是共同度过的。这样我不会在同事面前没有故事可以分享，这样我也不会在工作环境中暴露惨不忍睹的，寂寞孤独的生活状态。

就在即将步入中年危机的年龄，我很困惑自己的状态，首先想不明白为什么我在离开父母千里之外的这里，独自住在这么个地方，沉浸在寂寞里，和一个伤害过自己的人在一起。似乎我已经没有能力再把心打开，让它再次跳动。也许我也提不起劲来和他组建家庭，也许我们也永远无法迎来我们的孩子。与此同时，我无法令我的父母感到骄傲，反而令他们感到失望。

何去何从？不知道。真累。

想离开这里，一走了之。

Reflections

1- I love sun and day light.

Each morning, I get out of the bed, open all curtains in my apartment  so that maximum light can flow into the room.

Each afternoon, especially the days as early winter time, almost at once, when people can easily peeped in my room from the street, I close the curtains next to me, turn on the warm light in the room.

I love sun light and the energy from the brightness. It brings me energy and happiness even hopes. Once it turns to dark, I feel safer to block my space from the outside world.

2-A little girl in my soul

During my adolescence period, I started to thinking a lot about the meaning of life, enjoy analyzing family members or friends around me. I got some conclusions about the “truth of life” or “essences” of others.  For quite many years, I was proud of my capability of analysis, the maturity I reached at that age.

Lately, I suddenly found out, my state of mind has never left the years of high school age. It has been proven over and over again in all corners of my life, without catching my own attention. For example, I still love Disney toys just like a little girl, although I did not grow up with Disney cartoons. I still love the feelings as a high school young lady. I have secretly kept that status of mind since that time. From this, I could say I have refused to grow up deep inside of me. And I used a mindset to cover it from the world, that age is not a big deal. That maybe is why many people around me has identified me as a newly graduate. As a person who has entered into labor market for over 10 years, I felt embarrassed even offended. Since I have such awareness of immaturity of myself, i start to tell myself that maybe it is because I have released so much real me unconsciously to the world, as a never grown up high school girl.  I have cheated myself for a long time.

I have to admit,  I have a young soul inside of me.  No need to explain to others or feel sad once other treat me like a kid, because I deserve it.

Cycle of experience and self reflection

It has been long since I have updated anything here….

Lately, I have attended a training course about self awareness, where I was introduced a theory called cycle of experience. It is an interesting summary of why we react or not react on our needs in life. After the training, I give myself a task to use this theory to look at my own life experience and reflect on it, digging out what stops me to react or not react on my own needs. By doing that, I see it as a self analysis and awareness, so that I can work on my challenges in life.

I have a feeling that the reflection can be really tough, heavy and maybe scary to do . Because it can be hard to look into one’s real feelings honestly, at least for myself. However, I think it is an essential way to face myself, good or bad, accept who I am and use the knowledge to be a better person.

What I come up with as a reflection tool is to write diary. Through daily life, from work or private life, to tell how I feel and find out the cause of my feelings.

Family picture in dream

“Do you want a family?”

“yes. ”

“what is a family picture in your dream?”

“I remember the memorable moments with my kids and ex-wife.”

“my family picture in my dream is have all family members live together. Day on and off as a normal family. Raise my kids with my husband and grow up with my kids.”

“from my experince, no one want the kids when they flip into a small devil. You would pay for giving them away. What I learned from my last marriage is that try to create memorable moments as much as possible. Focus on my wife, do not let the kids to take over the marriage life.”

” so your divorce was due to marriage life occupied by your kids?”

” no, my ex complained that she didn’t feel safe in the marriage because I worked abroad alot. ”

” so your ex didn’t like your work abroad, why did you do that? ”

” I didn’t fit into Swedish company environment, I feel more comfortable in international company then I grow. Never give up your dream because of your family. Most of the people regret that they did not realize the dream because of their families”

“but you followed your dreams then you lost your family in the end”

“so I think the focus to my wife is the key. To create memorable moments for the families. ”

“how to create the memorable moments to your families? Being with your family is not memorable moments creation, is it? ”

“I don’t remember daily repeating routine life. I remember we went to fishing and bla bla bla(life story). That is memorable moments for me. ”

“I don’t agree with you. I think it is sweet to do the life routine with my families. I feel sweet and satisfying just doing daily repeating things for my husband and kids. Even my kids will grow into somebody evil and no way to deal with. That’s life. It is what I want to experience. For me, being together is the core of family. I don’t see i and my family should be separated and only have memorable moments”

Talking to a wall is like that. When 2 persons have very different view on life, even totally opposite, the conversation just like a duck talks to a chicken. They shouts aloud but don’t understand each other a single word. Worthless discussion.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I am still naively dreaming about meeting nice people. They are nice, warm, inviting to me. Talk to me, invite me to their life, making me smile and experience heart warming time. However, in real life, I am just one of the strangers for others, who keeping the distance with me, hold a suspicious heart from the beginning of our relationship, and most probably keep the distance and doubt to the end. I am disappointed very often in such a cold and snowy winter. I am easily touched and warmed by a simple greeting or friendly gesture.

I am just too naive to accept the reality.

Cold…

Dec 2018

It was so nice to meet Teo again, after almost 1 year. She looks more glowing and shining than last time.

We met for lunch. I was tired because of early up but meeting old friend made me excited. Teo was as easy-going as always. We could catch up the topic quite fast beginning with our relationship status. Teo told me she was dating a Portuguese guy, perfectly matching her background. Her study went well after 1 year struggle. This is the reason for her mysterious glow.

Our conversation moved on and on. I felt the time flying with my friend especially when we complained on Swedes. That moment, I felt someone agreed with me. We shared some common opinions.

As a foreigner, I feel myself to be odd from the environment very often. Since my study period in the university, it has been always an issue to me. The situation was improved from the time I started to work. in Swedish companies. Because of being accepted by different employers, I thought I have adapted to this cold Nordic culture successfully. Unfortunately I am wrong.

Not long time ago, I was hired by a new employer, out of a hundred of competitors. I was proud of myself to be picked. They hire me not because of my Chinese background, but equally comparing to all the applicants from everywhere. From the first month of employment, the pride of this famous employer start to hit. I am the only non-Swedish speaking person in the team. I was required to learn Swedish from my boss. I feel I was a burden for some of the team members to switch to English for me. I probably do not have excuses to still speak English in the country. If the language is a barrier for me to have a healthy social life, the culture difference makes me not easily to fit into the environment.

Limited by my Chinese eyes, I have difficulty to share similar interests with the rest. To make an understandable joke sometimes is a challenge to me. Reversely, I could have problem to relate the same feelings or excitement with others. To be able to get some of the jokes, I will need some background introductions. These things stop me to have deeper connections with locals. I can predict that I will face a big challenge to make friends in the new company.

As a matter of fact, I did make some friends with some foreigners, such as Teo, in Sweden. I do have couple of Swedish friends who have international experience. Moreover, I have a Swedish BF who accepts my background and continuously explains all kinds of contexts to me. Deep in my heart, I wish I could have fitted into this environment much better. I feel my gap with others  is as wide as the size of life. I am lack of wisdom to pick a field to shrink the gap at the moment. I am standstill to figure out how to change the situation systematically. Maybe I have no excuses any more to skip language learning. Meanwhile I am not sure the language can even break a corner of the gap. Ideally, I wish I could easily get along with locals and anyone from all over the world. Hope I could find out a clue in a short while.

Shapes to have and to be

It’s always interesting to discuss training, food and rest from the perspective how you would like to look. Seems it’s easy that the discussions end up in that it’s not healthy to train too much, don’t look good with muscles or ideals how to look that are way off your type of body.

How are your discussions with friends and partner?

I have a pretty long history with training and nutrition. Not a pro in any sence, but several years of progress and taking good care of my self.
I often discuss targets for how I and my partner should look after a period of training or diet. I dare to say, we do not often agree. I also dare to say that my partner has a somewhat strange thoughts about herself and seems to not trust neither my competence nor my taste for how a female body can/shall look like.
Sometimes I get the feeling that her view on what a sexy female body should look like, is colored by asian fashion industry times 10. Walking anorectic nudels with pale white faces. This differs quite a lot to my taste of a well trained, fit and curvy body. A body you get if you spend your hours in the gym, do cardio, eat loads of healthy food and stay happy. Apply a nice tan on that, and I will start to pay attention.
For me, it’s sexy when a lady enters the gym and train. I mean like really train hard. Not chat with friends or in phone. Not take 100 selfies. Not go for the small weights because they don’t want to be big. But just step in, load big plates on the bar and do 12 reps squatting their own bodyweight or higher.

What’s your taste? How do you look upon the ladies in the gym or where you train?

Bubbling feeling

Have you ever had that bubbling feeling inside?
The hope that she will wear something special, bring something special, do something special. You know that expectation that might grow to something that can’t be realized and lead to disappointment, but still can’t be stopped.
Hope is a strong driver that makes by body and whatever is inside shiver and be warm.

The first time …

There’s always a first time for everything and this is first time I write a blogpost. Being in a relation with the lady that run this blog, I have been invited to add posts as well. Just to confuse all you readers out there, we might post things as individuals as well as together.

I met this woman many years ago at work and it was nothing more than that. Interest starting to grow when she showed her capability and willingness to put in energy to step out of the Chinese standards and follow her dreams. In the beginning, I guess I was mostly an enabler for her to gain some international experience and increase her possibilities for some years outside China. Well, things growed and we both felt that it was more than just business. We started to spend private time together and today we are a couple, although we due to work don’t always live under the same roof.

Here I will, with a glimpse in my eyes and a big heart, post things in a bit provokative way to get discussions going about all aspects you can have in life in general, but between intercultural relationships in special. So let’s get started:

• The backside of the pleasure of being pleased.
  I’m thinking about the lack of initiative from Chinese women and how western men often find that attractive. The man make the plans and decide everything, feeling the pleasure of being superior, driving the life, adding essential things to the relationship etc. His partner she accepts and follow the plans without too much interference. If he’s nice, he ask what she thinks and she answers “Don’t know” or that that the suggestion he has is good. So this can go on and on for quite a long time, until one day when she suddenly do not look happy or even comment a bit different.
  ” – Love…can we do something different because I don’t really like this?”
  “- What? We have done like this for years and you haven’t liked it..Ok. What and how do you propose we do?”
  “- I don’t know. But I don’t like this so much.”

  Above is something I end up in quite often. Is it because I’m a dominant person? Is it because I communicate bad? Is it beacuse I’m not receptive enough to the Chinese signals in the background? Or is it not so much me but others?

About job application

It is my 2nd day to post my blog here— a small move to my English progress.

Surprisingly, I got some visitors and comments on my very first post. It is encouragement for me to stick with my principles and explore this community.  So I searched for what I am interested by key words: English Study. The results brought me to a couple of interesting bloggers. Their expression on their passions in life attracted me to read through. There was a mysterious attraction from the blogs to keep me following the words and lines. It is a good start to join in this interesting group and learn from others.

It is a review of my experience of the first blog day. Now lets move to the topic about job application.

Job application for a foreigner is not as easy as I did in China. Job application is not one task of your day. Job application is actually a full time job!

As I mentioned in my first post, I have applied nearly 200 positions in the past 3 months. I am still an unemployed woman.

My daily routine begins with checking emails. I only focus on the emails I subscribed on job board websites and the ones from recruiters. There are about 20 new emails I should read through every day. The ones from recruiters are either rejections or recruitment status update. I go through the content of the subscription emails and open the interesting positions links to check the job descriptions (JD). If it is an interesting company and position matching my background, I will move to the application process.

There are 2 types of application processes I have experienced. One process is to apply jobs through recruitment platform of the company. First of all, I should register on the platform and fill in the basic information. The registration is time consuming. But it will be much easier if you apply for other positions of the same company later. Sometimes, you should upload CV & Cover letter and key in your background information piece by piece.

The CV and cover letter are the documents selling yourself to the company. So I take time to modify my CV and cover letter for each position I applied. It take me some time to read through JD carefully and/ or over again. Not hard to imagine, I , who is not good at English writing, take much efforts to formulate and modify the CV and cover letters.

The 2nd type of application process is to send an email directly to the company. You should always attach your CV and Cover letters.

It is a full time job to looking for jobs.

I spend almost 5-6 hrs a day to read emails, sort out interesting leads and send in my application. In a good day, I can apply for 5-6 positions a day.

It is a long journey to go to reach my target. Never give up is what I tell myself. Hope I would get good news soon.